My heart is heavy.
It's heavy when I look around and see so much broken. And maybe it's always been there, but I was too numb to care. To feel the gravity of it.
And it's heavy when my heart struggles to find a reason to beat. When it feels like the the ground beneath my feet is sinking sand. And I struggle to stand.
I want to be able to just hold up my hands like Moses, a simple gesture that ensures I win the battle. That when I feel overwhelmed, I can just raise my arms to get the advantage. The answer always seems so simple, so trivial. Just pray more. Be joyful. Don't give up. Lift your hands.
But pain is never simple.
Do I have a legitimate reason to feel this way? Maybe not. I get stuck in the cycle of comparison. Who am I to claim brokenness when I'm healthy, when everything is going relatively okay? There are so many people out there who are going through really hard, really heavy things. You don't have a reason to feel this way. How can you admit you're broken, but not have a good explanation for why? How can you take up someone's time and heart when there are so many who need it more? Why can't I just figure it out on my own?
& that's the reality. Sometimes I'm broken. And I don't know what to do with that. Sometimes it feels like everything is crashing down at once, and I'm not sure how to find the way out.
I get mad at the enemy for attacking my confidence. And I get mad at myself for letting him. For dropping my sword and sitting down.
I don't have a pretty wrap up for this post. I don't have a resolve, because sometimes we're in a place that isn't wrapped up in a nice package with a bow. It just is what it is... but what I do know...
What I do know is that God has never left me before. On the other side, I have seen that He was there the whole time. I can see the moments when He showed up, that I was too distracted to see... And if I have nothing else to hold onto, I'll hold onto that....
