Splash.
I watched from behind the camera as a little girl was dunked in the water. A few seconds later and up she came. A smile broke across her face, and I couldn’t help but smile too.
“Rika.”
I sighed and sat back in my seat. I’m not doing this now.
“Rika.” That Voice that sometimes makes me think I’m going crazy. The Voice that makes my heart beat faster. The soft, tender Voice calling me out.
“You call me out upon the waters,” the band starts the next song.
“You call me out upon the waters,” the band starts the next song.
Really? I sigh again and close my eyes. Only for a few seconds, I don’t want anyone to think I’m experiencing any emotion. I take a deep breath and adjust the camera before an older man is dunked just like the little girl. I smile and clap again.
“Rika.”
“Okay, fine. What?” I already know what. I’m already coming up with excuses.
“It’s your turn. You’re ready for this.”
I’m not ready. What does the Voice know anyways?
Finally, the baptism service is over. I smirk a little, knowing I made it through. I didn’t have to do anything hard.
I feel the Voice smirking too. “There are two more services tomorrow, Love.”
I wish I could skip, stay home and not have to feel anything. But I have to be there, I promised I would be.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe tomorrow I will go in the water. Maybe I will be someone different. Someone with no fear or doubt. Maybe tomorrow I would go through with it.
I’m high on emotion. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I do everything I can to block out the emotions that threaten to overtake me and soon find myself fading into the black night.
“Rika.”
I’ve barely woken up and the Voice is already back. Maybe it never left.
“Rika.” The Voice is pained, full of emotion. But today, today I won’t let the Voice get to me. I take a deep breath and don’t respond. Today I will be stronger.
The Voice is strong today. My soul feels heavy. The Voice tells me I’m okay but I’m not sure I believe it.
It’s worship night, and I’m scared. Images of last time start flipping through my mind like a slideshow. Walking in. Emotions running wild, feeling everything all at once. I am overwhelmed. I stand up and watch as everyone around me becomes part of the moment. I can’t breathe. I can’t stay there. So I run. I run home and I once again find myself fighting against the darkness, welcoming the black that overwhelms me with open arms.
I’m brought back to reality as I walk into the church. Today feels different. I’m scared of what that looks like, what that means. I know there will be no running away this time because I am serving tonight. I can’t back out of that, I can’t just leave.
I’m shaking as I walk in. I can already feel it, this heavy presence. The Voice is strong.
“Rika.”
Today, I choose not to fight it. Today, I choose more. I choose not to run.
“Rika.” The Voice says my name gently, and I can hear it smile.
“Yeah?” I close my eyes and it’s just me and the Voice. The music blends into a background track as I listen for the Voice.
It’s quiet for a few minutes, but I wait. I wait in the silence, and I breathe.
Through the silence, the Voice is so loud and clear that I want to fall to my knees.
“Rika.”
I wait. I know I don’t have to say anything.
“I love you.”
I don’t want to believe it, but something in me knows it has to be true.
Splash!
I pull the camera up to my face and hide behind it, keeping the moment at arm’s length.
It’s only been two days since my last encounter with the Voice, but I’m scared to dig in. What would it mean to stop running? Who would I be without the mask? My arms shake as I hold up the camera to record the next baptism. The Voice is here; I can feel it. I try to block everything out and just focus on what I’m doing, but the Voice is persistent.
I hide in the back and try to keep a neutral face. The Voice is doing something and I’m scared. Actually, I’m terrified. It’s Saturday and we’re having baptisms all weekend. I know this is my weekend, I know what’s going to happen but I still fight it. I can’t do this, not here, not now.
The Voice is quiet but close, I know it doesn’t have to say anything. It’s all up to me now, all I have to do is say yes. I hesitate. I want more, I want so much more. But… what if nothing happens? What if I say yes and I still feel empty? What if the Voice is just a game my mind is playing with me? No… I know that can’t be right. I’ve gotten to know the Voice well, and it’s more real than anything I could conjure up.
The night is over and I have a lot to take in. Deep down, I know tomorrow is my day. I try to come up with excuses, but they all fall flat, even to me.
Sunday morning.
I’m shaking, and only half paying attention to what I’m doing. I’m still not sure I can go through with it. How do I even ask Carly if it’s okay to bail on filming? I still don’t know her well and I’m not prepared to have that vulnerable moment with her. The first service goes by and I know I need to act soon if I’m going to do this. I still don’t know. I don’t get a chance to talk to Carly, and I don’t know if I can go through with it.
Splash.
The final service is halfway done and I adjust the focus on the camera as someone lifts their head out of the water.
Carly walks in front of me.
I sigh. It’s now or never.
Splash.
I try to film, but I can’t hold the camera up any longer. I need to do this. I need to stop being so scared.
I look at all the people. Why the hell am I part of a large church?
I pull the camera strap off over my head and hand Carly the camera. There’s no turning back now… I consider it, but can’t think of a way out. I’m doing this.
I’m overcome, absolutely overcome and it’s all I can do to keep the tears from breaking through. Deep breath. Everything fades away and now it is just me and the Voice. No one else is around. The Voice isn’t saying anything, but I can feel it smiling, I can feel it walking beside me.
I’m brought back to the moment as Carly puts her arm around me.
“I’m so freaking proud of you.”
That about does me in. I’ve never heard those words before, not really… I don’t understand. She doesn’t even know me.
My pastor grabs me and whispers in my ear. I think she says something about being proud too, but to be honest I don’t hear anything she’s saying. I’m trying so hard to keep my emotions in check. I don’t cry. Especially not in front of people, but this moment is about to undo me.
Heather doesn’t let go. I forget that there are hundreds of other people there and her arms become the Voice’s. Suddenly I know love. There’s no denying it in this moment. I know everything is about to change.
Splash.
This time I’m not looking through a lens but everything comes into focus as I lift my head out of the water.
Clarity.
Clarity like I’ve never known before.
