Since I moved from the midwest, where I've lived my entire life, to the south, I cannot understand a word anyone is saying. It's literally so bad. I have to make my boss and co-workers repeat things multiple times, and even then I don't know what they say half the time. At restaurants and drive-thrus, I would probably accidentally order something I had no intention of getting if it weren't for the fact that my bestie is usually with me acting as interpreter. I'm telling you, it's a real problem. I don't know if it's an accent thing or just a southern way of speaking that my brain cannot seem to process correctly yet. I hear them, but I don't understand a word they're saying. It's honestly exhausting.
Then, the other day, I saw my pastor preach and had a conversation with her. Something incredible happened. I understood every single word she said. After the fact, I thought about how different that interaction was to my other recent conversations. Listening to her was so... effortless.
How come these interactions were so different? How come I could understand her so well, but struggle so hard when listening to everyone else?
But then I thought, well of course I could understand her. I've known her for years and have listened to her voice for hundreds, perhaps thousands of hours. (That sounds creepy, it's just because I've heard her sermons multiple times a weekend + editing videos of her each week). I know exactly how she talks and, probably, a depth of emotions and meanings even beyond the words she says.
So of course here I am thinking about this when I get one of those sarcastic nudges from God. You know what I'm talking about? When He says something like "hmmm... interesting thought. Sound familiar?"
Ugh. Of course He'd take this moment to make it about Him.
But... He's not wrong (go figure, huh?).
I've heard so many sermons, read books and blogs, even listened to songs and podcasts about hearing God. But what good does hearing Him do if I can't make out a word He's saying?
I find myself sitting in that a lot.
The problem is not that I can't hear God. Oh, I can hear Him. I know He's talking to me. But I can't understand a damn thing. I might catch it the fourth or fifth time He repeats it, or I might just find myself smiling and nodding because I don't want to ask Him to repeat it one more time.
And if I think it is exhausting trying to understand the people around me, just imagine how exhausting it is trying to understand God.
Guys, I'm exhausted.
But... am I really trying?
I mean, sure, I'm listening... but am I really listening?
Hardly.
I'm "listening" while I'm clicking through Instagram stories on my phone. I'm "listening" while I cook dinner. I'm "listening" reading a book... or watching a show... or shopping (okay I don't shop, but you get the picture)... or... or...
No wonder I can't understand what He's saying, I'm on sensory overload!
Then I think about how I got to learn my pastor's voice so well.
I listened.
I listened fully and paid attention to her movements and demeanor while I determined when to change the camera shot.
I listened to every word so that I could put her slides up on the screen at the exact right time.
I listened intently while I tried to reconcile what she was saying with her notes in front of me.
And I listened. Again and again. Hour after hour.
I listened to understand.
I learned how her voice cracks slightly when she is trying to hide her emotion and I know how she pauses, takes a deep breath and lifts her eyes up for a split second when she hears God talking in the middle of her message. I can tell you exactly when she is going to go off script and when she knows she's gone too far. I can recognize a lot of things in what she is saying that most people wouldn't pick up on.
I can't say I know God that way. I just think if I can hear Him, I should magically be able to understand Him. But I don't know His voice. Not really. I know it enough to recognize it, but that's about where it stops. Once in awhile, He tells me things enough times that eventually I get it. More often than not, I complain that I can't hear Him while the real problem is I can't understand Him.
Does He laugh silently when He knows what He's about to say is ridiculous?
Do the sides of His mouth twitch slightly into a smile when He is telling me proud of me?
Does He talk about some things more often than others because He knows it connects with me?
Does He ever go off script?
Honestly, I don't know... but I'm committed to learning.
It's a frustrating process, knowing that in the learning there is a lot of unlearning. There is a lot of listening for hours and struggling to interpret what I hear into something I understand. There is a lot of sitting in silence. In the dark. In places with no distractions. It's sitting with my Bible open, trying to reconcile the words I hear with the notes in front of me.
I don't want to just know God's voice, I want to understand it. I want to understand the emotion behind His words and be intimately connected to His character.
I want to know Him deeper.
And while there are many things I may never understand, I can find peace in understanding what He is saying. That in the moments when I have no other clarity, God's voice is the clearest thing I hear.
